Diet Day #1

So.... today is Diet Day #1!! Yeah that's right... i am about to bring my inner skinny B**ch out to play. :0) I hear on a daily basis that if i am not happy with myself to do something about it. Or "D**n, she is hot... look at her! Her body is Bangin!" Or "I think a size 4 is a good size. How small were you when we met?" or how about this " you have a belly, can you do the truffle shuffle?" Uh Huh... you guessed it. I am so tired of the fat jokes. I am tired of people expecting that kind of talk to be "motivation enough". The sad thing is, all of that comes from people that tell me they love me on a daily basis. But something better... my honey and best friend Candyce is dead set on the fact that she BELIEVES that I can lose the weight. She has become my motivator, my fat butt be gone coach if you will. She decided that i needed to be signed up with her for South Beach Diets, and so i am. We have decided to take before, during and after pictures to chronicle what i will call an "ADVENTURE". We are attempting to do this together from 1532 miles away from each other. This ought to be interesting. So to start off with i am going to detox my body for at least 3 days and then start the diet outlined for me on South Beach Diet. I need the will power to stick with it and not shove food down my throat to cover up emotions that i am feeling. Be prepared... this is going to a rough ride and i am taking you all with me. So there it is. Your fair warning. LOL I will keep you updated and if i am brave enough i will post pictures of progress on here as well. Any tips or exercises you may know of would be phenomenal!! Wish me luck cuz here i go....

In need of Adventure!!

Adventure. Not a word that i get to put into action very often in my life. Especially in these last few years. I have the most amazing family, and some of the best friends anyone could ask for ( however they live so far away that "adventure" is few and far between with them ), but here i sit. Waiting. Being so busy with school, house work, kids, hubby, family, running errands, getting ready to start clinicals, getting bills in order... and the list keeps going... i have kind of lost myself. Okay, not "kind of", I HAVE lost myself somewhere along the way. Pretty nuts to look back and see how 3 little years of your life can have a huge impact on how your life is at this day, at this time, in this very moment. Whew! Where did the time go? LOL

I really cannot wait for school to be over with. Not only because it will free up more than 70% of my time, but i will be able to say that i finished something besides my dinner :0) I never thought about how insane or hard getting back into school was going to be. And no one told me that Massage Therapy was so freaking hard! Seriously, there is so much more to it than what i had ever imagined ( for example: learning 360 + muscles along with there origin, insertion, action, nerve innervation, and fiber direction) that i am so glad to be at the home stretch!!! May 9, 2009. Yep, that would be the day that i can look back and, hopefully, say that it was all worth it. GRADUATION!! Only a few months away. I consider that day and adventure. One that i am very much looking forward to. We will see how that all pans out and what happens leading up to it, hopefully a little fun will be mixed in there somewhere to break up the routine. After graduation however, i have somewhat decided that i need to go on vacation to finally breath, reflect, find myself and maybe a little fun (perhaps some trouble, not to much...) somewhere. Hopefully i will be able to do this. I really emphasize the HOPEFULLY!! LOL I don't know... i am rambling! I am just so excited that it is getting so close that i can't contain myself! Alright i am going to stop here or really this will turn inot another rambling session... oops it already has!! LOL

At a loss

Where do i start on this one? By saying," Hello. I am the world's biggest door mat," or maybe," Hi. Come dump your S*** on me, push me around, and treat me like a convenience because I LOVE IT!!" Yep, that is the precursor to my life, and incidentally the introduction to my life. I have invited myself into this world of emotional and physical trashing, or dumping as most people put it, and i am finding it hard to back out of it. I am also finding it rubbing off on me as i am beginning to bring myself down in the process as i am consistently apologizing for anything or everything, and making excuses for everything that i could do that might make me happy that i do not do . It's completely unreal to me how the few people that drift in and out of your life can utterly take your walls down, blow everything to pieces, and then leave you standing in the aftermath of their destruction. This destruction that is caused is not as easy to clean up as most would think, as it usually sits and rots like molding aftermath of a flood, and ends up spreading like a disease, causing hate and resentment. I know because i live in it every day, and I can say that this has caused me to have a lot of resentment, even toward people that i love, however it has never come to hate ( at least not yet) . Truthfully, i am amazed at how much one person can withstand, and how much hindrance one can carry without giving a second thought or notion. I, personally, am so close to my breaking point that i can feel my inner woven emotional fibers snapping and rebounding one by one, and then whorling tightly around the butterflies of nervousness in my gut. I have come to the point in my life where others around me are pushing me to be happy for myself, do things that matter only to me, take time away, and just breathe. I ask how, when, and why? How am i supposed to take care of me when i take care of everyone else and carry their fears, demands, and essential happiness in my hands? When am i supposed to find time to take an hour, a moment, a minute, let alone a second to breathe when the breaths i take others rip from my lungs to gain strength to carry on over the top of me? Why does it matter all of the sudden that i do all of this stuff for myself when it didn't matter at all before i started voicing how i feel? I have no idea where to start. I am at a loss for words. I am at a loss for actions. I know that i deserve to be happy. I know that i deserve time for myself. I know that i take on too much,this is, at least i thought until recently, in my nature. I have taken a very large step to the side and taken a deep a look at what i have allowed others to do to me. I can say with utmost confidence that i do not like what i see. When you laugh or smile for other people just so you don't hurt their feeling, there is something very wrong with that. I find myself doing this quite often. I even find myself down playing what hurts me, what angers me, and how i feel on a daily basis to spare everyone else. Where is this fair? Why is it fair? I know that it's not but i keep doing it. For years i have listened to my husband ( who is largely outspoken, confident and believes those he loves should be happy), Candyce (whom is one of the best friends and the most honest and loving of souls you can find), and my mother ( whom is just as well one of the strongest women i know) tell me to stop letting people walk on me and stop putting myself through hell over it. I just don't know how. For me, this blogging thing is most possibly going to become some sort of therapeutic venting tool on some occasions, as it is now. Pointless rambling that makes me feel a little more human and little less of a robotic drone making my way through life just taking up space. Maybe one of these days someone will have pushed my buttons the wrong way for the last time, and i will have one of those "AH HAH" or "AWE INSPIRING" moments, and i will wake up out of this nightmare that i seem to be trapped in. One can only sit and wish for the moment that it happens, and pray it happens soon. I would not wish the confusion that i have on anyone, ever. My mind is continuously speeding along so many different tracks that it is hard to slow it down, let alone stop it. UGH... someday i will learn. Maybe this is all just a bad dream. Will someone please pinch me (hard so i might wake up)?

Permanent Marker

I always find it humorous that there are parents in this world that are petrified of how society will view them if they don't have "perfect" children. These type of people have the outward appearance of everything being in place. Nothing is out of order. They, as well as their kids, are proper and perfectly clean. Yeah I know, it's the ideal way to be... right? I have a hard time molding to the expectations that most people clutch onto in a way that, to me, is not necessary. Don't get me wrong, some of the first things that i taught my children were manners, but in all seriousness we are not perfect, and we should not intend to push that on our kids. They are only human. They will make their own mistakes. It is simply our responsibilty to TRY and point them in correct direction, and let go. Life is like riding a bike. You start off with training wheels, you crash, get back up, and keep trying. Eventually you get the hang of it and the training wheels come off, your parents let go and watch as their child rides off full of independence. Sometimes you fall, but you still get back up, brush yourself off, maybe get a band aid ( or a cast if it was bad), get back on, and start over. (Yeah, there is a point to this and i am getting there, and it's actually kind of funny.) So, today i met one of these parents. The type that i describe as being prim ,proper, and perfect. I have this gut feeling that after she, and her child, witnessed a normal day for me and my 5 year old twins, will be talking about it to her friends and using us as an example how NOT to raise your children. This is what happened:

The heating element has gone out in my dryer creating this fiasco of washing laundry at home, loading it into at least 6 different baskets, hauling them to the laundry mat, and then spending endless hours waiting on the dryers there. Of course, as most of you know, I almost always have Kaden and Kaleb with me, as i did today. I know all to well that the attention span of two five year old children together is about 30 seconds on a good day. So, i had the boys grab some cars to play with thinking they would be o.k. while we waited. ( HA HA HA HA!!!) We get the laundry mat, get the clothes into the dryer, the boys started playing at the table with the toys they brought, and in walks this woman. This said woman deserves an explanation of outward appearance; she is wearing stiletto knee high boots ( it's Minnesota, it's icey, and there is snow butt deep to a girraffe ...hmmmm), skin tight jeans, a wrap sweater, chandelier earings, bug eye sun glasses ( which hid the pounds of makeup on her eyes), an updo of curly hair ( not one out of place mind you), dragging a big black plastic bag behind her with a paisley pattern comforter hanging out the top, and mindfully tagging along was a little boy ( whom i will assume is her child by the way she spoke to him). Now, said little boy deserves the outward appearance description:
He is cute as all get out. He has a pair of, what look to be, Timberland boots on with a pair of Sean John jeans, and a Rockawear jacket thats zipped up. He looked like he was around the age of the twins, however dressed like a teen ager with a very clean and neat high and tight hair cut.
Immediatley Kaden and Kaleb had caught a glimpse of this little boy and wanted to play. I really didn't see anything wrong with it. Not so patiently they waited to see if the little boy was going to come back around the corner and sit at the tables. After about five minutes they lost interest, went back to playing and i had to start folding laundry. I heard a phone ring and the "Stiletto Lady" started talking. I continued folding and turned to check on the boys after a few minutes. WHAT THE F***???? I wanted to yell "STOOOOOOOPPPPPPP!!!!" But i busted out with a laugh so loud that i startled "Stiletto Lady" and she stood up and glared at me, since i apparently interupted her phone call. She then looked over to see what i was rolling over and she gasped so loud she actually shrieked! Then she shot me a look like i was satan's spawn and hung up on whoever it was she was talking to. I have never seen anyone, not even the best of drag queens, run as fast as she did in those back breakers she was wearing. One of the boys, my two or her son, found the remnants of a permanent marker. Kaleb was laughing at Kaden, who had his back to me, and then pointed at this little boy and laughed even harder. Kaden had gotten some of this permanent marker on his fingers and thought it was a good idea to "spit wash" himself so he stuck his fingers in his mouth. This action promptly turned his lips, tongue, teeth, saliva, and chin licorice black. The other little boy was trying to help Kaden and placed the broken end of the marker into his mouth and started digging in his pockets. "Stiletto Lady" reached her son and ripped the marker from his mouth and asked my boys, " What did you do?", in a very stern manner. Before i could say anything Kaleb piped up," What? He put it in his own mouth!" Of course i start walking over, still hurling with laughter, to help as much as i could. Her little boy starts wiping his mouth, then reaching back into his pockets. As you can imagine: Slobbery hands that were wiping a mouth full of black PERMANENT marker then being wiped across expensive name brand clothes... not a PERFECT mothers idea of PERFECT! She shoots me this look that must have been heriditary, there is no way someones face could be trained to twist like hers did, and started snipping at me," YOUR BOYS ARE OUT OF CONTROL!! HOW COULD YOU LET THEM DO THIS??" Still laughing my butt off, i looked at her and said," You know, boys will be boys." Then she looked at Kaden and Kaleb, turned back and looked me up and down. Then out of her mouth spews," Well you obviuosly don't care..." Yeah you guessed it. I cut her off. I put myself between her and my boys, looked her in the eye and told her," Excuse me? If i didn't care i would be reacting like you. My boys are children. They play and sometimes do stuff they aren't supposed to, but i laugh most of it off. If you cared more you wouldn't be upset with your kid either", i pointed at her son. She turned to look at him. All the while that he had the pen shoved into his mouth, oozing black drool and ruining his clothes, he was digging for a piece of tissue to help Kaden get the marker off his hands. I think she was a little embarrassed. She would not look back at me. She grabbed her son by the back of the jacket and led him away to the rest room. As she was closing the door i heard her start repremanding him for ruining his clothes. As for me, i had Kaden rinse his mouth out, however he proudly wore the temporary stain of permanent marker as a reminder of his adventure at the laundry mat, and went about my day. Even Richie laughed when he heard the story and saw Kadens face.

So, my point to this: try not to teach so many lessons to your kids, but accept lessons from them as well. Remember to have fun, but help when its needed. Don't worry about your outward appearance so much because even the most beautiful people can be ugly and as black as a PERMANENT MARKER on the inside!

Roller Coaster of Life

My mind is continuously stirring with thoughts. Seemingly in a constant hurry to keep one step ahead of even the most fleeting object. The start of this blog is an absolute example of that. There are so many visions, words, thoughts, aspirations, and dreams with in myself for my family ( as well as myself), that i have no idea where to begin. I could start from the beginning and give and absolute play by play of how our family has come about over the past 11 and 1/2 years. However i would love for you, as the reader, to remain conscious, as well as alert. I will, on the other hand, divulge that i have an incredible family that has been held together by a lot of work, persistance, bumpy roads, scrapes, bruises, and the familial glue we all call LOVE. Because of that i have a Husband that is awesome, and has truly given me everything that he promised and more. He and i had a really rough start, a really rough middle, and that ended up being the sand paper that smoothed us into what we have now, and what we are together at this moment in time.

Together we have 4 amazing children. Now i know that everyone says that their kids are amazing, talented, cute, or what have you. In all seriousness i believe my kids are amazing. Each of them have their own unique beginning in this world, and i am sure they will have surprising and unique moments their entire lives.

My oldest son Bryce was born 9 months to the day of our honeymoon night, on August 11, 1999. He was really very sick for his first few months of life and was in the ICU. Bryce had an allergic reaction to my breast milk, as well as the protein from the cows milk particles in regular baby formula. This in fact burnt his stomach and esophagus nearly shut. He came out of it perfectly, became the happy chubby baby, and is now our overly intelligant 9 year old son. He loves to learn, debate ( as he calls it, we call it mouthing off as he always HAS to be right), read, and do anything that involves being outside. He is very strong willed and is certainly ready to make his mark in life. Look out world, when he is set loose the theory of chaos will be tested as will the people in his path !!! I suppose thats not such a bad thing. It's is just very hard watching as my first baby grows and heads into being a man... the time really flies by. Don't blink or become to busy wrapped up in yourself, before you know it your kids will be grown and gone.

Our daughter Hailee was born 1 year and 9 and 1/2 months ( approx.) after Bryce, on May 23, 2001. She is my "Birthday Baby". She was due on her dads birthday, though she had plans of her own, and came 5 days early on mine. That's right we share our birthdays, and that is the best present i could ever ask for! The day she was born we were told that she could not hear. The doctor had no explanation as he gave us the news, he just told us to prepare and have her retested after 6 weeks. Not prepared for the news i was crushed. My husband, who is usually pessimistic, was ready to learn sign language and make the most of it... after all we had and otherwise healthy and stunning baby girl. Needless to say at her 6 week hearing check she passed!! Hailee is now 7. She is the drama queen, center of attention, loving, huggable, giggly and non stop talker and very much a free spirit! Sometimes i wonder if she doesn't hold the soul of an old hippie :0) She really is a peace maker and has enough love for everyone who comes into her life.

Now for Kaden and Kaleb. Anyone who says having twins isn't AMAZING will get a very firm argument from me. I was not supposed to have anymore children after Hailee. I was having some medical problems, was put on birth control, and was all set for exploratory surgery and most possibly a partial hysterectomy. Low and behold we find out during pre-op testing... WE WERE PREGANT!!! At 26 weeks i had an ultra sound to make sure the baby ( yes i said BABY.. as in one) was o.k., and opted out of finding out the sex. The ultra sound only detected ONE baby, although my clairvoyant sister-in-law and one of my best friends knew otherwise and was very unforgiving in "seeing" that there was 2. So, thinking all was well, because the doctor had not stated otherwise, my husband, Bryce, Hailee, and i relocated to Washington state. Promptly 6 weeks after being there i went into premature labor, was admitted to the hospital, put on bed rest, and the problem was diagnosed... TWINS!!! 3 weeks later on March 5, 2003, we welcomed Kaden into the world via natural birth, and Kaleb via C-section. Both small ( however good sized for early twins) they were unable to hold their bodily temperature and had no reflex for sucking. A few days in an incubator and being fed from a cup, they came home. They are now healthy, active and catching up with everyone else. We still have a few set backs with them but we are getting there! Kaden and Kaleb are my little comedians. However different their personalities (they remind me of Penn and Teller, just a little less rude or crass) they can still bring a smile and laughter into any room. It's awesome to sit and watch them learn new things and come up with devious ways trick us, get into things, persuade people, all with out saying a thing to each other! And yes, they still like to tell people that do not know them that they are each other ( as in Kaden saying he is Kaleb, and Kaleb saying he is Kaden), i feel really sorry for their future teachers! Unbelievable to think that they will be 6 in a few months.

In all of our adventures through the years, between living in 5 different states, having 4 kids, and the roller coaster of life taking us all on a ride, i would have to say that however rough or blessed it has been, i would not change one moment of it for anything. We have acquired so many friends through out the years that accept us and love us for who we are. Our families, however dysfunctional either side is or has been, have always been a constant source of love for us. And all the rough sand paper years we have traveled through has put us in a smooth spot for the moment, and we are actually able to look back and be thankful for all of it and be proud of where we are now. Everything has definately been worth it.