At a loss

Where do i start on this one? By saying," Hello. I am the world's biggest door mat," or maybe," Hi. Come dump your S*** on me, push me around, and treat me like a convenience because I LOVE IT!!" Yep, that is the precursor to my life, and incidentally the introduction to my life. I have invited myself into this world of emotional and physical trashing, or dumping as most people put it, and i am finding it hard to back out of it. I am also finding it rubbing off on me as i am beginning to bring myself down in the process as i am consistently apologizing for anything or everything, and making excuses for everything that i could do that might make me happy that i do not do . It's completely unreal to me how the few people that drift in and out of your life can utterly take your walls down, blow everything to pieces, and then leave you standing in the aftermath of their destruction. This destruction that is caused is not as easy to clean up as most would think, as it usually sits and rots like molding aftermath of a flood, and ends up spreading like a disease, causing hate and resentment. I know because i live in it every day, and I can say that this has caused me to have a lot of resentment, even toward people that i love, however it has never come to hate ( at least not yet) . Truthfully, i am amazed at how much one person can withstand, and how much hindrance one can carry without giving a second thought or notion. I, personally, am so close to my breaking point that i can feel my inner woven emotional fibers snapping and rebounding one by one, and then whorling tightly around the butterflies of nervousness in my gut. I have come to the point in my life where others around me are pushing me to be happy for myself, do things that matter only to me, take time away, and just breathe. I ask how, when, and why? How am i supposed to take care of me when i take care of everyone else and carry their fears, demands, and essential happiness in my hands? When am i supposed to find time to take an hour, a moment, a minute, let alone a second to breathe when the breaths i take others rip from my lungs to gain strength to carry on over the top of me? Why does it matter all of the sudden that i do all of this stuff for myself when it didn't matter at all before i started voicing how i feel? I have no idea where to start. I am at a loss for words. I am at a loss for actions. I know that i deserve to be happy. I know that i deserve time for myself. I know that i take on too much,this is, at least i thought until recently, in my nature. I have taken a very large step to the side and taken a deep a look at what i have allowed others to do to me. I can say with utmost confidence that i do not like what i see. When you laugh or smile for other people just so you don't hurt their feeling, there is something very wrong with that. I find myself doing this quite often. I even find myself down playing what hurts me, what angers me, and how i feel on a daily basis to spare everyone else. Where is this fair? Why is it fair? I know that it's not but i keep doing it. For years i have listened to my husband ( who is largely outspoken, confident and believes those he loves should be happy), Candyce (whom is one of the best friends and the most honest and loving of souls you can find), and my mother ( whom is just as well one of the strongest women i know) tell me to stop letting people walk on me and stop putting myself through hell over it. I just don't know how. For me, this blogging thing is most possibly going to become some sort of therapeutic venting tool on some occasions, as it is now. Pointless rambling that makes me feel a little more human and little less of a robotic drone making my way through life just taking up space. Maybe one of these days someone will have pushed my buttons the wrong way for the last time, and i will have one of those "AH HAH" or "AWE INSPIRING" moments, and i will wake up out of this nightmare that i seem to be trapped in. One can only sit and wish for the moment that it happens, and pray it happens soon. I would not wish the confusion that i have on anyone, ever. My mind is continuously speeding along so many different tracks that it is hard to slow it down, let alone stop it. UGH... someday i will learn. Maybe this is all just a bad dream. Will someone please pinch me (hard so i might wake up)?