Thoughts

So i have been thinking a lot about how my life has turned out so far. A major thought lately has been my husband. I know that most people sit and gripe about how their husband never help out around the house, are always doing their own thing, never stop playing video games, or their "bromance" with their friends seems to be more in depth than the "romance" they should be having within their marriage. I am guilty of doing that very thing. I try so hard to pour all that I have into my marriage that I feel robbed of the basics that I feel are being given to other people. So I have sat back and taken a long look at how things really are.

First of all, my Hubby works extremely hard everyday to make sure that the kids and I have what we need. I know that he wishes he could do more for us, and that he could give us the world on a platter, but that is just not possible. He gives us what we need to get by, and that is more than enough. All that we really need is love and the rest will come by when it's needed. I can't expect more than what he already does because that would not be very fair. Getting up at 3 a.m. every day, working for 10 hours or more, and then expecting him to give, give, give, and work even more... i think he does enough. I admit i do complain about not having enough help around the house. I do everything that a stay at home mom/wife does, but I do it for 7 people while going to school full time, but that is my job.

Secondly, I get upset that I have little to no outside life. My everything revolves around my kids, hubby, home, and school. I suppose that I can blame that on myself. I get angry that Richie is gone EVERY Thursday night, as well as most Friday and Saturday nights with his friend and his brother. I get upset, well actually lets say jealous, because I want to have time with him too, and i hate being stuck at home by myself. In reality, we have no babysitter half the time and its hard to spend alone time. So jealousy does set in and I just have to choke it back and let it go. Aside from wanting to spend time with my Hubby, I would love more than anything to have friends that i could spend time with and do things outside of the house with. I just need a taste of the outside world, and a little bit of time with Richie every now and then.

There are however so many things that I am thankful for. I love the friends that I do have. I love the fact that I have a very supportive husband that would do anything in the world for the kids and I. I do miss having my best friends around and spending time with them, but the fraze "absence makes the heart grow fonder", that really does pertain to friends as well. I am very thankful for, and love my kids. It gets hard at times but they are well worth every bit of stress, time, love and curve ball they throw my way. :0)

I have come to the conclusion that I do make things hard on myself. I do stress over the little things. I do need to learn to let go and take things so seriously. I do need to stop being so jealous over my husbands friends ( the men and women). I need to just enjoy what i have, and the things i get to look forward to.

Yeah... word vomit... and emotional vomit... Fun stuff LOL

Lori needs....

Okay so i was tagged by my best friend Candyce... so i have to do this LOL What I am supposed to do is go the Google search engine and typ in "[my name] needs" ( ie: Melissa needs) and put down the top ten in order. This ought to be fun... lets find out!

Lori needs... To Vent Aneurysm.( I knew i had something wrong upstair but i never thought it would be this

Lori needs... to solicit funds and donations from strangers to help Lori in obtaining a divorce from the man accused of killing her daughter. ( WTF????????????????????????)

Lori needs... needs to be aware of her own anger and how it’s affecting her ( ok this is really true!!)

Lori needs... Magic. ( yeah the magic that will make Candyce live next door!)

Lori needs... a gelato machine. ( yeah... like a whole in the head)

Lori needs... life. ( no joke... this is what it said.. TRUE and WEIRD!!)

Lori needs... a diet (actually it said angry diet - that sounds scary although true)

Lori needs... her own Blog name, because she wants to post something - and I don’t want my name associated with it in any way. ( sad... they don't like me! LOL )

Lori needs... to quit. ( quit what exactly??)

Lori needs... to find a hot straight man and a gay woman to date tonight! ( well that's a little interesting....)

There you go Candyce!! You are fired because you were not my #1 need in my search. Turns out i need a new brain!! GOSH!!!! HAHA i would tag you back but you have already done this... maybe i will tag my Dad. He reads this! HEY DAD!! Tag... your it!! Your turn :0) HAHAHA

New Edition

I wanted to share my newest edition of artwork with the world! A few years ago an idea popped into my head and I finally brought that idea to fruition. I wanted one footprint for each of my kids ( the originals off of their birth certificates mind you) ,mixed in with some stars and wind swirls, made into some form of art work. I decided on permanent art that i will carry with me everywhere I go for the rest of my life! I gathered up the birth certificates and took myself down to the tattoo shop where I presented my idea to the artist and let him have free range with it. Because I have super sensitive skin and i like to swell when i am scratched, or anything abrasive happens at the surface, or deeper to my skin, so i had to go through two sessions. This is the end of the first session. The footprints are finally there!!! Going from the top in a clockwise direction: Bryce, Hailee, Kaden and Kaleb :0) After two weeks of waiting and healing I was able to go back in and have the work finished. The artist added wind swirls. To me that represents how fast time flies by. You blink and the moment is gone, like leaves in the wind. The stars are representative of the far reaches of dreams I have for my kids. I absolutely LOVE my tattoo. It is not just a tattoo to me. It is a constant showcase of my love for my children. No matter how big they get, where they go in life, or what they do, they started within me and I will carry them through whatever comes our way. I want them and the world to know that they are my life. I love them more than I ever imagined a person could love. So in a sense this piece of art that will be carried with me for my entire life will be the conversation piece that will open the bragging rights porthole for me, as well as become a constant reminder for my kids of their mothers love for them. I am very pleased and more than proud for this to be a part of me, just as I am with my babies :0)

Complain Complain Complain

I have to empty my mind a bit before i can continue with homework and studying for my midterms, so i turn to my blog to spew words onto a forum of sorts that may or may not be read.

First off, i can not wait until school is done and over with. I have 2 months and 8 days left. Yes I am counting!! I am having the worst time in the world actually staying focused, not procrastinating, and i am tired of being spread so thin that i feel emotionally brittle. I just pray that all of this is going to be worth it in the end. If i don't make much out of it, even if I go nowhere, i know that I have set somewhat of an example for my kids about how important an education is, how important hard work is, and how you should always finish EVERYTHING you start. It would be excellent if they carried that with them into adulthood and through their entire lives.

Now off to rant about how i can't stand myself. I really hate the fact that I complain about stupid crap that I can do something about, but find it easier to sit and feel sorry for myself. Like the fact that I have very few friends, and it was "0" friends up until a few weeks ago. So naturally you would think that I would be happy that I have at least someone around to talk to and spend time with. Not so much. I still get upset because I am a social person. I need the stimulus of others, the conversation, and the occasional irresponsible behavior that adults still need to bring them back to reality. I suppose that once you have certain friends that you enjoy being around, they know you very well, you know them very well, you don't have to say a word to have a meaningful conversation, nothing really ever seems the same no matter whom you acquire as a friend. Don't take me wrong, I really love the people that are in my life, i would do anything for any of them, I just feel like part of my soul is missing. HAHAHA lets put it this way: What would YIN be without YANG? That's why i complain about that.
Another thing that I catch myself droning on about is not being able to do more with my husband and feeling that his "Bromance" is taking control of life in general. I really have a hard time with the fact that so much of the free time my husband has is spent with his friends away from home, sporadically napping, and glued to the T.V. As it stands I have Thursday and the occasional Saturday where i do not have anything going on as far as school, so I look forward to spending time with my family. I don't view that as a bad thing. However i have come to the realization that my Hubby works Monday through Thursday ( sometimes Friday), from 4 a.m. until 2:30 or 3 p.m.. I have school every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evening. I also have clinicals Friday and Sunday. So when Thursday night rolls around I am ready to spend time and relax for a minute, however that night has been dubbed as "Guys Night", so i get to spend that night alone with the kids while Hubby is gone. Then Friday I spend a huge part of the day gone at clinicals, and that night everyone is so tired from the rest of the week we usually fall asleep super early. Saturday is "BLAHHHH" day. Hubby watches T.V., I catch up on house chores, and the kids help out a little and play with their friends. Sunday is clinical day. And so on and so on. I just need more time. My kids are growing up to fast, time is flying by, and I seem to be in a constant state of fast forward. I miss my family and i miss my Hubby. I need a vacation alone with him so we can get to know each other again. I also need one with my kids so i can catch up and slow down so I can see what i have missed. Stinkin' time stealing away things that i love. :0(

Another "complaint" is my gosh darn weight. I rag on myself all of the time about how miserable i am, how fat i have gotten ( and keep getting), that i hate how my clothes fit, i hate my muffin top... and the list keeps going. No matter how much i complain and hate the way I look and how I have turned out physically, I never do anything about it. WAIT!!! I take that back, I eat more because it's easier to cover up feelings with food than it is to put the effort into losing the weight and potentially gaining happiness. I eat when i am bored, lonely, sad, upset, happy... i just eat to eat. I am really unhappy with myself about all of this, so much that I have stopped caring about the comments that people make about me, i just make them about myself instead. I suppose that way it doesn't hurt as bad when I say it as it does when someone else does. UGHHHHH!!! Damn it all to hell! I sit and complain, I know why I complain, I know I can change it and I don't. No one is at fault but myself and it stinks knowing that. I need to find a turning point and do a damn 360 degree come about. For now it is what it is guess. However that could be my excuses coming out.