Complain Complain Complain

I have to empty my mind a bit before i can continue with homework and studying for my midterms, so i turn to my blog to spew words onto a forum of sorts that may or may not be read.

First off, i can not wait until school is done and over with. I have 2 months and 8 days left. Yes I am counting!! I am having the worst time in the world actually staying focused, not procrastinating, and i am tired of being spread so thin that i feel emotionally brittle. I just pray that all of this is going to be worth it in the end. If i don't make much out of it, even if I go nowhere, i know that I have set somewhat of an example for my kids about how important an education is, how important hard work is, and how you should always finish EVERYTHING you start. It would be excellent if they carried that with them into adulthood and through their entire lives.

Now off to rant about how i can't stand myself. I really hate the fact that I complain about stupid crap that I can do something about, but find it easier to sit and feel sorry for myself. Like the fact that I have very few friends, and it was "0" friends up until a few weeks ago. So naturally you would think that I would be happy that I have at least someone around to talk to and spend time with. Not so much. I still get upset because I am a social person. I need the stimulus of others, the conversation, and the occasional irresponsible behavior that adults still need to bring them back to reality. I suppose that once you have certain friends that you enjoy being around, they know you very well, you know them very well, you don't have to say a word to have a meaningful conversation, nothing really ever seems the same no matter whom you acquire as a friend. Don't take me wrong, I really love the people that are in my life, i would do anything for any of them, I just feel like part of my soul is missing. HAHAHA lets put it this way: What would YIN be without YANG? That's why i complain about that.
Another thing that I catch myself droning on about is not being able to do more with my husband and feeling that his "Bromance" is taking control of life in general. I really have a hard time with the fact that so much of the free time my husband has is spent with his friends away from home, sporadically napping, and glued to the T.V. As it stands I have Thursday and the occasional Saturday where i do not have anything going on as far as school, so I look forward to spending time with my family. I don't view that as a bad thing. However i have come to the realization that my Hubby works Monday through Thursday ( sometimes Friday), from 4 a.m. until 2:30 or 3 p.m.. I have school every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evening. I also have clinicals Friday and Sunday. So when Thursday night rolls around I am ready to spend time and relax for a minute, however that night has been dubbed as "Guys Night", so i get to spend that night alone with the kids while Hubby is gone. Then Friday I spend a huge part of the day gone at clinicals, and that night everyone is so tired from the rest of the week we usually fall asleep super early. Saturday is "BLAHHHH" day. Hubby watches T.V., I catch up on house chores, and the kids help out a little and play with their friends. Sunday is clinical day. And so on and so on. I just need more time. My kids are growing up to fast, time is flying by, and I seem to be in a constant state of fast forward. I miss my family and i miss my Hubby. I need a vacation alone with him so we can get to know each other again. I also need one with my kids so i can catch up and slow down so I can see what i have missed. Stinkin' time stealing away things that i love. :0(

Another "complaint" is my gosh darn weight. I rag on myself all of the time about how miserable i am, how fat i have gotten ( and keep getting), that i hate how my clothes fit, i hate my muffin top... and the list keeps going. No matter how much i complain and hate the way I look and how I have turned out physically, I never do anything about it. WAIT!!! I take that back, I eat more because it's easier to cover up feelings with food than it is to put the effort into losing the weight and potentially gaining happiness. I eat when i am bored, lonely, sad, upset, happy... i just eat to eat. I am really unhappy with myself about all of this, so much that I have stopped caring about the comments that people make about me, i just make them about myself instead. I suppose that way it doesn't hurt as bad when I say it as it does when someone else does. UGHHHHH!!! Damn it all to hell! I sit and complain, I know why I complain, I know I can change it and I don't. No one is at fault but myself and it stinks knowing that. I need to find a turning point and do a damn 360 degree come about. For now it is what it is guess. However that could be my excuses coming out.